~twelve: extracting the good, from the bad~

*this entry is written earlier, and set to publish on 5th of October 2011, at 11.30 am*



from all of those heart-wrenching moment i endured at NICU SDMC, there was one time (that gave me nightmares for quite a while), when he opened his eyes, probably because the earlier exhaustion has worn away. he just stared at me, i was standing by his bedside. i coo-ed and talked to him and he kept on staring. he was not making any sound nor movement. and after for a few minutes, he turned his head and stared at the foot of his bed. i looked too but no one was there. in fact, we were both alone in the room.

and i understood what was happening and what is going to happen.

since then, he kept on switching, from looking at me to looking at the foot of his bed. as if giving me a message, of which i understood and i hated myself for that. i was panicking that at one time i literally blocked his view to the foot of his bed with my face and kept on saying look at me look at me. and finally he stared at me for a long time, before he started to shiver, and slowly it became a seizure.

seriously how can i not have nightmares like that.

Izam was performing solat isyak at the hospital's prayer room when it happened.

when Dr. Sanjay finally able to stop the seizure (it took him about 3 hours, where few things happened in between but i forgot the details because every news he delivered was always bad news that i felt like slapping his face, sorry Dr. Sanjay), he was put to sleep, so that he can rest. little did we know that it was the last time he opened his eyes. yes he passed away in his sleep.


**************************************************************************

when things like this happened, we tend to start pointing fingers at people. frankly i started my digging right on the next day, with tears running like mad. i recalled back scene by scene. i googled around. and as far as i'm concern, any research i did led me to a dead end. or, more on, it's just his time to go.


i am relieved that Aidan's passing was somewhat peaceful, with no serious injuries whatsoever. i mean, accidents and such, you know.

i am thankful of everything that Allah has provide me with. the good family, the good health, the good food, the good money. to ask for more is embarrassing. what have i done (to Him) to deserve more than i have now? because of Him, i am blessed with everything that i have now.

i am thankful that, even though this might be the most traumatized experience i've ever had, there are A LOT of people out there that have gotten into worse scenarios than mine. my deepest condolences. innalillah.

i am thankful that even though i was given only 8 months to get to know Aidan, at least i knew and felt what it was like to be a mother. the experience itself was far more precious than gold.



thank you Allah for always and always giving me guidance when i am lost. despite my ignorance and arrogance. always and always.

btw, i would never shed tears in public, if i can avoid it. even in front of Izam. thus why people sees me as a tough/heartless person. :) yes, the ego in me.

tried to create a video of compiled videos of him but failed (in all honesty, too lazy to search for a suitable software and too shy to ask help from others) so i just put one up.

i had just found the courage to watch his videos, which took up most of my hand phones' memories.

video was taken on Thursday, 14th of April 2011 (he was 6 months old) on 7.32 am.
he had just woken up and i was preparing his bath (hear the sound of water in the background).
i normally bathe him first (and sometimes suap him breakfast too) before sending him to his nursery and me, off to work.


**************************************************************************



i thanked Allah for not letting me stray for too long. since i have sinned a lot, He provides me (not forgetting Izam) with a 'guarantee', when the time comes. Aidan had been such a good boy, and that was just the icing of the cake. he's gonna be there to help us, me and Izam, on our journey in the hereafter.
a forever good boy, he is. i am in bliss.

And if you should count the favors of Allah , you could not enumerate them. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. [Surat An-Nahl 16:18]